


Dick Tattoos

by ooBerry



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Piercing artist, basically theyre adult babies, tattoo artist - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-13
Updated: 2015-12-28
Packaged: 2018-05-01 08:57:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5199893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ooBerry/pseuds/ooBerry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hanji is thoroughly confused by two of their close friends:<br/>Eren, the tattoo artist, refuses to get a piercing because he believes it's too painful.<br/>Levi, the piercing artist, refuses to get a tattoo because he believes it's too painful.</p><p>Follow Hanji on their journey to fix this problem.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Negative Eighty-Eight

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize beforehand for any typos. I'm dumb and I make mistakes,,

“Eren, I’ve got a task for you.”

Hanji and their papers fluttered around the front desk to stand next to me.

I gave them a curious look- ‘a task’?

That was different. Hanji never worded it that way. I was cautious when it came to Hanji and with one measly sentence, there were already red alarms going off in my head.

“What do you want.”

“I’ve got this friend…”

I raised an eyebrow and waited for them to continue. I wanted to reply with a salty remark such as, “Oh, do you?” but since they were my boss, I bit my tongue.

“This friend really needs to get a tattoo.”

Oh.

Why...were they being so sneaky about it then?

I narrowed my eyes.

“Why are you beating around the bush here?”

Their eyes widened and they immediately started waving their hands around, feigning innocence.

“What do you mean? It’s just that since it’s my friend, it’s a little more important than usual, y’know?”

“Uh-huuuuh. Have them come talk to me then.”

They squealed, placed a kiss on my cheek then pranced away into the distance.

I’m not sure what Hanji does most of the day. Throughout my year working for them I’d only seen them tend to a customer once; it was a tongue piercing.

That customer came out saying they barely felt any pain and that Hanji was somehow magic.

I’d heard customers talk about Hanji and they basically had a whole bunch of rumors floating around about them?

Hanji was apparently some famous tattoo artist that travelled around the world visiting different tattoo shops before opening up their own and…? Hiring me I guess.There were a handful of other tattoo artist working with us as well, but we were working the most often.

My mind travelled back to Hanji’s strange request and I became slightly concerned by who this ‘friend’ would be.

Was it going to be...some cry baby I’d have to deal with? Is that why they were being so weird about it? Or maybe it was simply a rude customer they didn’t want to deal with and pawned off on me? I mean normally Hanji took care of any rude people, but maybe they were just that bad.

Eventually, I shrugged it off and continued lazily scrolling through tumblr.

\--

A few days later Hanji came bursting through the front door running like a maniac. I didn’t ever see them leave the store, but whatever.

They bounced over to me and panted, “My friend’s here! Take care of him, ok?” then they sprinted to a back hall and after a lot of banging, there was silence.

I frowned and looked around, thoroughly confused by that encounter.

In the distance a car door slammed and loud footsteps approached the shop. Damn, not just foot steps, running footsteps and this person was fast. I was beginning to wonder if this ‘friend’ was like a thug Hanji had hired to make me battle with and prove my worth- ‘cause let me tell you, that’s the kind of messed up thing they would do.

After mere seconds the door swung open and a rather short person swiftly entered.

He stalked in, clearly on the hunt for something, paused to look at me, raised his eyebrows, then took off down the hall Hanji had disappeared into.

I stood there and shook my head. I wasn’t sure what had happened but that dude sure didn’t look pleased to be there, and that was probably why I had to deal with them. Hanji had indeed shoved the troublesome customer onto my lap.

A few seconds after the short man disappeared, a giant man came in the shop calmly.

He looked like a classy white dad and was sipping a capri sun as if he was chasing after two children that he didn’t give a fuck about. His caterpillar-like eyebrows seemed to smile at me as he nodded and walked away.

I considered what to do for a minute, then decided on going back to my seat at the desk and get back on tumblr.

After seeing a few too many doge memes. I gave in and went to go investigate the commotion.

I found it was pretty easy to identify which room they were in as only one door was closed. Hoping it wasn’t locked, I approached said closed door and turned the doorknob.

The situation was slightly anticlimactic.

The tall blond man was sitting on one of our tables (no longer drinking a child’s beverage), merely observing the other two who were leaning against a counter on the other side of the room.

Hanji had their back to the counter and the short man was holding the collar of Hanji’s shirt obviously threatening them.

Hanji seemed fairly amused by the shorter man and that seemed to add fuel to his anger. I don’t know what happened between them, but I was willing to bet Hanji was in the wrong.

“May I ask what’s going on in here?” I interrupted.

The large blond, whom quite frankly creeped me out a bit, patted the spot next to him and I shook my head.

I turned back to Hanji and the other man. It was then that I’d realised he was actually very, very handsome.

I mean very. Like, honey, take me now handsome.

His hair was a deep black which greatly contrasted his fair skin and light grey eyes. He had on a long sleeved, slim fitted, black, v neck shirt on, and black skinny jeans. The most striking feature about him was his... collection of piercings.

I didn’t know any piercing terminology. I hated piercings; they freaked me out. I would get as many and give as many tattoos as wanted but never piercings. Never.

He had two on his left eyebrows, two on his lips, one on his nose and then like five million or something on his ears. I briefly wondered where else he might have piercings...no, stop that Eren.

My presence seemed to annoy him more. He gestured towards me angrily.

“And this? Above all you get a child to do it?” He spoke as if he were lecturing a toddler. I was actually wondering if maybe the two men were Hanji’s fathers.

Wait a second-

“Excuse you??” I butted in.

I know I look young but come on. I’ve got like approximately one thousand tattoos and have done maybe five times more on other people, and children just don’t have that kind of repertoire.

He then released Hanji’s shirt from his other hand and approached me. He poked my chest threateningly and glared up at me, “Listen here brat-”

“Again, excuse you, I think the one closest to classified as brat in this room is the one who barely reaches three feet high,” I snapped.

Behind me the large eyebrow man coughed loudly and banged something which almost made me laugh, but I knew I had to look tough.

It felt like a pity to have to be salty with such a handsome person, but I had a short temper and quite frankly, I couldn’t help it.

The short man’s anger melted away quickly and was replaced with surprise. Which then almost immediately was replaced with annoyance.

“Look I didn’t mean to offend you. Do you want a piercing?”

Then my anger melted away as well. Quickly replaced with confusion.

“What?”

“Do you want a piercing or not?”

“Of course not.”

He turned on his heel and stomped back to Hanji.

I on the other hand, was trying to recover from the heat and leaned against the door.

“Your employee doesn't want a piercing,” the short man started.

“He doesn’t know what’s best for him,” Hanji quickly defended.

“Kid, how badly do you not want a piercing?” he called out to me.

“Very badly,” I answered.

“On a scale of one to ten.”

“Negative eighty-eight.”

He gave Hanji a glare that could kill, and after glancing at me, Hanji finally gave in.

“Okay, fine! I just thought it was ridiculous that both of you work around tattoos and piercings, yet you refuse to get a tattoo because you think it’s too painful and you refuse to get a piercing because you think it’s too painful,” Hanji dramatically admitted.

The piercing man and I immediately turned to stare at each other then both uttered, “What?”

“Piercings only hurt for a few minutes. Most don’t even feel sore after.”

“What about dick piercings.”

“Oh it’s not the piercings that make people sore,” he hummed before turning back to Hanji.

“Okay you’re exaggerating here, piercings are totally sore afterwards,” Hanji argued.

Ignoring their subject change, the short man continued as if Hanji hadn’t spoken, “I feel like there was a better way to go about this than your chosen method.”

“Well if I had flat out told you, both of you would have immediately turned it down!!” Hanji whined.

“Ok, everybody quiet down,” the large man interrupted, “Hanji, you can’t force the two of them to do this. Let’s leave them alone to discuss it and if they decide not to, then they can live with the fact they’re giant chickens- but it’s up to them.”

Did not see that coming. I wouldn’t have expected the eyebrows to possess that much salt.

“You’re a dick, Erwin,” the short man deadpanned.

‘Erwin’ grinned. “The largest,” he winked before exiting with Hanji in tow.

I guess that left me alone with the small bitter man.

 


	2. Sign My Dick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, it's a smol update so i upped the chapter count to three chapters!

After a minute or so of awkward silence, I held out my hand.

“Uh, I’m Eren...anyway…”

He pursed his lips and nodded, “Levi.”

I lowered my hand and let my gaze fall anywhere except for on Levi.

Eventually I heard a crinkling sound and Levi cleared his throat. I jumped a little in surprise and quickly turned to look at him. He was staring at me as he put on plastic gloves.

He raised an eyebrow and snapped one of the gloves against his wrist, “Are you ready for your prostate exam?”

“What are you doing,” I asked flatly.

He tilted his head to the side and placed his hand on his hip, carefully so the back of his wrist was touching his pants and not his hands. “You’re getting a piercing,” he answered.

“No…” I whispered.

He nodded and began searching the cabinets for tools. I turned around and tried to open the door. Tried, being the key word; it was locked.

Levi laughed bitterly behind me, “Yeah, there’s no way Hanji’s letting us out until we do what they said. I can’t believe you willingly work for that thing.”

“I can’t believe you’re willingly friends with that thing,” I shot back, still facing away from him as I pathetically tried to pry open the door.

He chuckled, then made a small ‘ah-ha!’ sound.

“Alright, Eren, what would you like?” he drawled.

My only reply was a whimper as I hopelessly continued to try to get the door open. I didn’t want a piercing. I was really scared of needles- and yeah, shut up for a second, I know you’re thinking; if I’m scared of needles I shouldn’t work with tattoos but it’s different. Tattoos aren’t as painful, and it’s not... needle-...like? You don’t really particularly notice the needles you just feel something mildly painful dragging ink on your skin. It’s far different than a tool pushing a needle through your skin. I don’t care if that doesn’t make sense to you, it makes sense to me and that’s all that matters.

“You seem like the kind of guy who wants a thickass dick piercing,” he went on.

I could hear the smirk in his voice. It was a cruel smirk.

“...Only if you get a tattoo on your dick,” I replied.

Fuck. Eren why. Why would you do that.

I meant to say it jokingly but it came out like a real offer.

He paused and after a moment I glanced over my shoulder at him.

He was staring at me with a blank expression, “You’re serious?”

I looked at the tools he had in his hand then up at his face again, “I’m not sure.”

There was another long moment of silence as we both marinated in the horrible suggestion I put forward.

“I’ll do it if you do it,” he decided.

“You’re shitting me.”

“I’m no wimp Eren.”

“I don’t doubt it, but…”

He stood up straight and tilted his head back a little as he looked me up and down, “What scares you about this?”

“Well uhm...needles.”

“But you’re a tattoo artist.”

“Oh shut up,” I whined, “The tools used for piercings and tattoos are completely different.”

He nodded understandingly, “I get it, I get it. I just don’t like backing down to a challenge, and I hate to admit it, but Hanji does have a bit of a point.”

I chewed on my lip and considered it. He was right. And I didn’t want to have to deal with Hanji egging on me for the rest of my life because of this one incident…

“Here, let’s make a deal,” he removed the gloves and jumped up to sit on the counter, “Do my tattoo first, then I’ll do your piercing.”

“You’re serious?” I turned a little bit more so I was finally facing him and gingerly took a step forward.

“Yep.”

“Ooookaaaay…” I slowly started to move about to get my own gloves and tools.

I’d never had to tattoo a penis before? I mean, I’d heard of it so I knew it was okay but...yeah.

“So, what do you want then?” I tried to ask lightly to make myself seem less scared than I was. By agreeing to tattooing this handsome man’s dick I was also agreeing to allow him to stab through my own penis and that-...that was a lot to put on the line.

“Have you seen the picture of that ‘no ragrets’ tattoo?”

I slammed the drawer shut with the last of my necessary items in my hand, “Don’t even.”

He laughed. And damn that laugh man.

That laugh.

You know those people that laugh, and you just kind of sit there and stare for a few years because you wonder how it was possible angels existed among humans?

Yeah. It was definitely that kind of laugh.

“I’m not sure,” he thought out loud, “what kind of stuff do people usually get on their dicks?”

I shrugged, “Beats me.”

“What if I said I want a tattoo of a dick on my dick?”

“I’d probably put a puppy on there instead,” I answered happily.

He rolled his eyes, “You’re just killing all my good ideas.”

I wrinkled my nose, “Come on, just think of something.”

“Do you have any ideas?”

I put my hand under my chin and tried to think.

“Hmm  I don’t know. How big is it?”

Fuck. Eren think before you speak son, jeez.

He smirked, “You really want to know?”

I looked away and fiddled around with my fancy tattoo doohad, “Well, thinking artistically, yes, because the size matters in this case.”

“16 inches,” he answered with a flat tone.

I choked loudly on the air.

“See, it’s so big you wouldn’t even be able to make that sound if you were-”

“STOP,” I wheezed.

He laughed again, at my expense, and crossed his arms, “Really though, I don’t mind anything. Just don’t make it stupid.”

I sighed and tried to think of something, “I don’t really know Levi, it’s kind of your call.”

“Hmm...let me see what kind of tattoos you have,” he requested.

“Why?”

“Dunno. Maybe I’ll get some inspiration.”

I just kind of went with it. It made enough sense.

I shrugged my shirt off and turned in a circle.

He held up his hands, “Whoa whoa, slow down kid how am I supposed to appreciate any of this if you’re spinning around too fast?”

I laughed and held my arms out then began to turn slower.

Levi shook his head and waved a hand to gesture me to approach him. He pulled me over so I was standing with my back to him against the counter between his legs.

And heck yeah I was nervous, he ran his hands over my back and it was incredibly nerve-wracking. His hands felt nice and I wanted them to roam just a little lower-

“So what’s this here?”

I glanced over my shoulder at him and saw him staring intently at my shoulders, “The wings?”

His fingertips fluttered up and across my back causing an instant redness in my cheeks.

“Uh, I don’t...no real reason. I just...I don’t know, it’s just a design I’ve always been fond of,” I explained.

“Hm...I like it.”

I paused before turning to face him and hesitantly asking, “Uhm. So is that what you actually want?”

His hand that was previously on my back slid onto my shoulder as I turned and rested there.

He stared at my face for a minute as he thought to himself before answering.

“Yes. I think so.”

“...wings. You want wings on your penis,” I deadpanned.

“‘D’ so good its wings help you ascend into heaven,” he retorted.

I snorted and took a step back to begin a laughing fit.

He snickered and continued, “It’s either wings or ‘no ragrets’.”

I stopped my laughter to whine, “Really Levi? It’s a tattoo on a very sensitive part of your body- you can’t think of anything a little more meaningful?”

“Hey, I’ve been kind of put on the spot here. Why don’t you...here put your name on there,” he suggested.

I stared at him blankly.

“That way I’ll always remember what brave man dared to tattoo my penis and in turn get a piercing on his own penis.”

I continued to stare.

“And you’ll always know I belong to you.”

Okay, I couldn’t help but snicker at that one. I started laughing again and he in turn ceased his rambling for a moment.

Eventually after our laughter died out, he sighed and shook his head slowly.

“Really though, let’s just get this over with. Take that needle-contraption and sign my dick.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait guys, I've just been down in the dumps lately and not wanting to finish this :/  
> i'll get it done soon, sorry
> 
> question though, and pls comment your answers Im curious  
> what would you get tattooed on your own penis? if you don't have one but youre still clever then use your imagination


	3. Angry Screeches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally done~  
> sorry for the long pauses between posting chapters guys
> 
> more notes at the end but, be sure to drop by my tumblr (ooberry.tumblr.com) to chat or suggest/request fanfic aaaaaand enjoy!

“That’s a nice signature,” he stated simply.

I was crossing the room looking for a hiding spot.

“Where are you going Eren?”

“Nothing just...getting something from this cabinet…”

I heard some shuffling, which I assumed was him getting his pants back in its proper position, and I quickened my search as I knew soon he’d be preparing to kill my penis.

“That wasn’t that bad,” he commented as I heard him gathering his tools, “It was painful but it wasn’t unbearable. I’ll admit, your piercing will be really painful for a few minutes but it’ll fade pretty quick.”

I paused after that comment. Maybe I could charm my way out of the situation.

Maybe.

“Eren, you’re trying to hide aren’t you?”

I turned to face him with wide eyes. He tilted his head to the side and furrowed his eyebrows, “I promise you’ll be okay.”

“I know,” I croaked as my eyes watered, only a little bit, “I just…”

Levi sighed and waved me over after setting down his weapon.

I hesitantly walked over to him, careful to keep my eye water levels even.

He handed me the death tool and crossed his arms.

“Go ahead. Inspect it. Prod at it as long as you need.”

“I don’t want to prod at it,” I mumbled sadly.

He sighed and looked away. He was breaking, I could tell.

It was time to start bringing in the real tears. So I started crying.

“The fuck-....” he whispered, “Jeez, kid, okay stop crying, you don’t have to get a piercing on your dick if you just...stop the eye leaking.”

Yes.

I wiped at my eyes and shook my head, “No, no, I can do it.”

He raised his eyebrows, “No, I don’t think you can.”

Success.

I let out a small sigh and slumped forward a little bit, feigning disappointment in myself. I was feeling pretty good until he suddenly picked up the evil mechanism again.

“But if you insist.”

No.

I waved my hands and backed away, “No, nonon-”

He made a grab for my pants which made me yelp and jump away. He then proceeded to corner me with an unamused expression.

“Did you really think I would fall for the puppy eyes trick. I’m friends with Hanji for Pete’s sake.”

Goddamn-

“Pants off or I’ll remove them for you.”

“At least ask me to dinner first, jeez,”I grumbled in defeat, all traces of doey-eyes gone.

“I’ll take you to dinner after this, just let me stab your freaking dick.”

“I think it’s highly inappropriate for you to see me without my pants on before our first dinner, Levi,” I teased.

He huffed in annoyance and reached forward to remove my pants again.

“Hey- you punk, I can take my own pants off!”

And thus, the battle of who could remove my pants first began.

 

~~

 

Yes, the pants were removed, and yes, my penis was stabbed.

It was a very traumatic experience that I prefer to pretend didn’t happen, but in short in involved screaming, tears and slapping.

And yes, that does make it sound like we just had hardcore sex but I assure you;

my dick wanted nothing of such actions.

Furthermore, I was convinced it would never want such actions ever again.

We emerged from the mysteriously unlocked room as hardened warriors.

And yes, hardened in the sense you’re thinking.

Turns out, when someone you’ve been having flirty banter with practically fondles your penis, it tends to get hard without you permitting it to.

That’s besides the point.

The point is, we both did it. We finished the task we were unwilling to do and we escaped.

Hanji squealed and came running at us. They ran straight into Levi with a surprising force that was almost as impressive as the fact he didn’t get pushed back at all.

“I wanna see, I wanna see!”

Levi planted his hand on Hanji’s face and pushed them away, “No.”

The handsome blond man approached us in a much calmer demeanor, “Well what did you get?”

Levi pursed his lips and shook his head as if he was actually considering his reply, “Nope. I think I’m fine with not telling you that.”

Erwin’s eyes glimmered mischievously then he turned to me, “Well, how about you Eren? How was your experience?”

I opened my mouth to answer but only a small whimper came out.

This prompted a laughter fest. Not including me of course.

“I don’t think I can ever use this thing _ever_ again,” I mumbled. Which prompted even more laughing.

Erwin patted my back and made a small cough.

“Don’t worry, it’ll be fine. I speak from experience,” he explained with a finishing wink.

I backed away slightly.

“Erwin here has five piercings on his penis,” Hanji boasted.

And here I was, thinking he was some classy white dad.

Levi muttered ‘gross’ as I muttered ‘tmi’.

Hanji whacked Levi’s arm, “Did you just say gross?? You- a piercing artist- called piercings gross; what even are you?”

He shoved their hand away and brushed the invisible Hanji escence off his sleeve, “Piercings on genitalia are gross in general, as well as knowing of the piercings on a friend’s genitalia, and not to mention unwillingly getting a mental picture of it, is even gross-er.”

“Are you saying my piercing is gross?” I jokingly whined.

“You’re piercing is great. Because I did it,” he deadpanned.

Erwin gasped, pretending to be offended, as Hanji fake cried.

“Ugh, I’m sick of these two. Let’s go Eren,” Levi sighed as he turned away from the crying children.

“Huh?” I swear, I was getting whiplash from the events that followed the task Hanji had thrust upon me.

“I told you I’d take you out to dinner, did I not?” he replied in a bored tone as he fished around for his keys in his pockets.

“You were serious?!”

“Yes, and if you hurry up so I can escape, you just might get my number too. Maybe,” he tempted as he tried to usher me out the door.

I glanced back at Hanji and Erwin before being whisked away by Levi.

“Hey Levi,” Hanji shouted, though we weren’t really that far from them, “Just a warning, he can’t put his duck in any ponds for four months now if ya know what I mean.”

Levi clicked his tongue angrily and pushed me outside as my face quickly reddened.

“You do realise I’ve been doing piercings for longer than you?” he shouted back through the door as he held it open. “You _know_ I already knew that.”

“I know, I just wanted you to see Eren’s blushing face,” they defended, batting their eyelashes.

I coughed and marched back to the door to say something back at Hanji, but Levi put a hand up to push me away from the door.

“Trust me, I saw plenty of it a while ago, and I’ll see plenty of it later tonight,” he replied smoothly.

I blubbered like an idiot and attempted to hide my red face without making it too obvious while Erwin and Hanji’s hooting faded with the closing door.

“I’m not sure I want to go out with you anymore!” I shrieked at Levi as he calmly approached me.

“Don’t worry, I said that to keep them off our backs for the rest of the night,” he explained.

“Oh.”

He smirked and stepped suspiciously close to me, “Although, your constant supply of cute faces isn’t going to do any good to keep _me_ off of _you_.”

My poor beating heart.

My poor beating heart couldn’t take any more of that small man’s teasing; I was going to have a heart attack.

With nowhere to hide, and no point in hiding the fact his words were making me blush, I simply raised my hands to cover my face and let out a defeated groan.

“Ohh save those beautiful sounds for later honey,” he called as he moved away to enter his car.

“Levi!!”

He opened the door and bit his lip tauntingly, “Mmm, a little louder?”

Angry screeching ensued until I eventually got in the car with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as you can tell by the dialogue, i enjoy witty flirting. i like to think im clever.  
> this was a lot of fun to write, though having to look up info to make certain parts *cough cough* accurate, resulted in accidentally seeing some pictures I didn't quite enjoy.  
> piercings make me squeamish. in theory, i think penis piercings could be cool but id probably cry if i saw one, got one, or had to give one to someone.
> 
> weeeell, comment/subscribe/chat to me on tumblr for more witty flirting/banter and i hope you enjoyed this silly piece.


End file.
